It’s hard to get a real picture of your end goals when you don’t have any examples of what it looks like.
So I pulled up some emails from guys who wrote in with their OWN questions about self-assurance and getting to know themselves better.
Read on and see if you find yourself in here. If you don’t, you’ll at least get a better understanding of the guy you’re NOT and the guy you actually want to be.
The following email is from a 26-year-old man in London, England.
Hey Marni,
Wanted to ask you a question, but I am going to need to explain the situation to you first so you get the full picture. It was a singles’ social boat-cruise, and the following are the events that happened with one of the cuties that I am interested in dating. Need some opinion on how to pick up the momentum.
The particular cutie that caught my eye I approached by grabbing her by her arm and telling her to follow me. She came along willingly.
Me: Why were you avoiding me all night?
Her: I was not; you were busy running around with other girls.
Me: Wait, are you single?
Her: Yes, of course
Me: You had better be, otherwise I would have to kick you off the boat!
Her: *Dead air*
Me: Are you a good girl or a nice girl?
Her: Naughty but nice.
Me: Do you speak English?
Her: Yes.
Me: Choose one then… good or nice?
Her: Nice, I guess.
Me. Do you know the difference?
Her: You tell me.
Me: Good Girl goes out, comes home, and sleeps; Nice Girl goes out, sleeps, and comes home.
Her: *Dead air*
Me: Do you know the difference between Good Secretary and a Nice Secretary?
Her: No, go ahead.
Me: Good Secretary will say, “Good morning, Sir,” and Nice Secretary will say, “It’s morning, Sir.”
Her: *Dead air*
Then we have a chat about where she is staying, her ethnic mix, and places she has traveled. She turns out to be Singaporean and British.
Me: I bet you suck at Thumb-Wrestling!
Her: Bring it on.
Me: I do not play without a wager.
Her: What is the wager?
Me: Loser buys dinner.
Her: Okay.
Me: No Cheating! Best out of three, go!
Last round, I start to tickle her and wrestle with her. It is good fun with some tension. I lose on purpose because I tickled her. I say, “Okay, give me your number and we’ll set something up.” We part. The next hour, we exchange glances and I throw a few “I’m watching you” and “Stay out of trouble” lines at her, at which she giggles (most probably from a nice dosage of alcohol).
Friday: Cool off.
Saturday: Message her to check if she got home alive and ask for her email address. She replies okay and gives me her email address.
Sunday Morning: Call and leave a message. She calls back and we have a chat about setting a date, but we both have commitments. She mentions briefly to be in contact next weekend if we can do something together. I say, “Okay, we’ll see.”
I then ask her what she is doing. It’s almost noon, why is she lazing like a pig? She giggles and says she has plans with some friends to watch Sex and the City.
Me: So which character best describes you?
Her: I don’t know, what do you think?
Me: I think you are a Samantha in Charlotte disguise.
Her: No, no one likes to be her. It’s not nice.
Me: Are you judging her? You are even more evil.
Her: No.
Me: I must go, got training, will call and catch up.
I text her later telling her I had to cut her short because I was dealing with London traffic. Will call at night to catch up and have some stimulating conversations. End with Charlotte and a wink. I called her at 10:30 pm, went to her voice mail. I say, “Ah, playing hard to get? Cheeky! Holler back!” I have not heard from her since.
Tuesday 11:00 pm, sent her a funny text: “It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you, and a man who is great in the sack. It is also important that these three men should never meet! How are you doing?” Did not receive any reply.
Any opinion as to how I can pick my game up again?
What I noticed from your email is that you need to stop playing games. Games like this are fun in the moment. They are entertaining and get a girl’s heart racing, but once the moment passes, reality sets in and girls realize what this behavior really means. It means games and sex with no phone call the next day.
You had her in your first interaction, and to be honest, if you had initiated taking it to the next level (bedroom, kiss, whatever), most likely she would have played ball. However, you stretched it out with her and therefore the endless banter became tiresome and dull. One thing I want to point out to you was the Sex and the City joke.
First, I was impressed that you know the characters. That’s a start.
Second, no woman wants to be referred to as a Samantha by a man who is trying to sleep with her. If you call a girl Samantha, you are telling her, “You’re slutty and I think you’re easy.” Even if it is true, no woman wants to hear that. That little statement will have her feeling that there is only one thing on your mind.
Women want to be in control of their own sexuality and know they are respected even if they are sexually adventurous and open. Do not pigeon-hole women by telling them who they are; let them tell you who they are.
You will get much more out of a woman that way. Always give a woman something she can latch onto, something she can hold onto that makes her feel that there is more to this than games, banter, and playfulness.
Overall, I want you to recognize that balance is important. Banter and flirting is fun and exciting, and most women, especially the great ones, will engage in it. However, you must balance the banter with substance, or you will never get what you want from a woman.
I want to share another great email I received from a guy who, with my help, finally let go of his frustrations and suddenly saw results with women.
Marni,
You won’t remember me, but about a year and a half ago, I hit one of your blogs. I stupidly left a rant of all my anger and frustrations towards women. You responded back to me with a really warm but firm response. This made me take a hard look back at my life, and I realized women were not at fault. I was [at fault] for pushing them away when they tried to get close.
After this introspection, I began to change my life by working out three nights a week with my cousin and joining the local art association photography group. There are some real pros there, and they are impressed with my work. I’m 43 and now have 20-something’s hitting on me. I need to clear two final hurdles.
Excise my limiting belief that women do not want to be with me and being able to ask these women out. I have missed a few opportunities last year due to this one. I am working on these. I accept responsibility for my lack of a girlfriend and am working towards this goal. I apologize for the length of this missive, but wanted you to know you helped.
Loved this email!
I’m sharing this next email because I know that the situation this guy is in may be something you could encounter in the future or may be dealing with right now.
I’m honestly not sure how to classify this situation other than calling it over-eager.
I see a lot of guys make a situation into something much bigger than it is because they are worried of either:
1. Falling into the friend zone
2. Losing a girl
3. Messing up
Which is ultimately what ends up happening because they are over-eager. Funny how that works right? Ha.
Read this guy’s email, because I know you will learn something from his situation as well as my advice for him.
Hi Marni,
I’m a single guy in my mid-thirties. I live in LA, but work takes me to [San Francisco] every other month for a week at a time. On my last trip, I met this girl and we went for drinks on a Thursday night. Everything went well and we decided to meet for dinner the next night.
Dinner the next night got off to a bad start because I was really late. She was pissed. I tried to make the best of it, but it was pretty miserable. I kept asking why she was so upset, and halfway through she started opening up about herself and her past. She had abusive parents and a rough time in high school, where she got into drug and alcohol use. She also mentioned a lot of bad relationships with unreliable guys. At the end of the night, we hugged, said we’d stay in touch, and said goodbye.
I left for LA the next day. So a month has gone by, and we’re emailing each other. I’m trying to keep it light and casual, while avoiding the friend zone. I’ll be back in SF in January and will try to see her then.
Anyway, I know this is a lot, but hopefully you can give me your advice and thoughts.
Sincerely, X
And here are his questions, and my words of advice:
Question 1: What do you make of her past? Should I be concerned? All the articles on Askmen say I should run away as fast as possible.
Hmmm. Not sure you should run away unless you are getting huge red flags about her. Are the emails fun, or are you just sending them to “stay in touch” and make sure she’s still there? I would say an email every other week would be enough. You guys didn’t kiss or anything when you hung out in SF, so it’s still not anything solid yet. I would keep it casual until you get back to SF. Plus, it’s holiday time, so enjoy this time for yourself, send her a happy holidays message that’s cute and kind of teasing, and then contact her in January.
Question 2: Not sure how I feel about past drug use, guys, etc. How do I bring up the topic of STDs and when?
That’s an individual thing. I know it’s not my ideal, either, but I also know that I adjust if I like someone. My husband was a much bigger drinker than I ever imagined myself with, and I had a hard time adjusting to it ’cause I wanted to change him, BUT when I stopped trying to change him and just accepted it, he actually started drinking less. I’m happy I stuck around!
Question 3: She’s religious. I’m not, but it doesn’t bother her. Is there anything I should be concerned about?
Concerned? NO. I would hold off on all these concerns for now and just really think about whether or not you like her. Seems like a lot of thought and effort going into someone.
Question 4: Is this part time in SF lifestyle fair to her or to me? Is it workable? I need to know more about her before I would consider her anything more than someone I’m seeing/dating.
Same response as above. Don’t worry about fair. You guys are pen pals for now, so take a breath and don’t take this so seriously 😉
Question 5: How can I keep email with her interesting? Do I start flirting, or is that a bad idea?
OF COURSE FLIRT!! Why else are you emailing?!
This one’s a great email because H says every fear that I know runs through your mind when you want to approach a woman. And what I do as his Wing Girl is help him calm all his fears. Hopefully it will do the same for you.
H’s email with my responses in-line:
Marni, I had this question eating my head for quite sometime.
Do women love being approached by random guys they don’t know?
YES, as long as it’s the right guy approaching her. A creepy guy with nothing to offer, NO. But an awesome guy that catches her attention? YES!
Is it like an ego boost, being approached?
Of course! It feels awesome when someone acknowledges that you are attractive. But again, if it’s the wrong guy who doesn’t take the hint, the ego boost goes away and it just becomes annoyance.
Does it feel nice being approached?
Sometimes. Again, depends on who is approaching us.
Or is it like an invasion of privacy?
Sometimes. Again depends on who it is and how they approach. I’ve had and seen many guys who literally just lurk around and then finally approach and have nothing to say AND THEN won’t leave. This is when things get creepy and it feels like an invasion of my space. Other guys are too aggressive and won’t take a hint when women politely ask them to leave them alone. Of course they do it in their subtle yet feminine way so it’s not overtly rude.
Does a guy who approaches appear needy?
Sometimes, if he doesn’t approach correctly, and if he’s acting needy!
I am asking because this happened many times: I saw a girl I wanted to talk to, but then I had other thoughts like:
1) What if she doesn’t want to talk?
Too bad. You do. Let her tell you she doesn’t want to talk. At that point, you may not want to talk to her. Plus, how are you going to know this if you don’t approach her? Stop rejecting yourself before women even get a chance!
2) What if she has a boyfriend or husband?
You’re not going to figure that out from a mile away, so approach. She’ll tell you if she’s taken. AND if she is, then she’s a great candidate to be your very own wing girl. Put that girl to work!
3) What if she is an introvert?
What IF she is an introvert?? Introvert does not mean shy or quiet. It means that she gets recharged when she is alone instead of around people. If she’s that way, then hopefully she’s had her time recharging and is now ready to talk 😉
4) What if i come across as a wimp?
What if you do?? Are you a wimp??? Probably not, so then why would you come across as one? As long as you don’t think you’re a wimp, then who cares? Be proud of all your actions and ALWAYS go after what you want. In my mind that does not define wimp 😉
5) What if i mess up?
You won’t. And I’m not even really sure of what messing up means. You mean what if she says no?? That doesn’t mean you messed up, it means she didn’t want what you had to offer. The real mess up happens when you miss opportunities.
As you can see, there are plenty of guys out there with questions and concerns that may sound a lot like you.
You may have found yourself relating to some of these guys, ALL of these guys, or maybe none at all.
Regardless, the point of this module is to know YOURSELF apart from any other guy out there.
Remember, spend the next week or so doing the exercises and taking the time to find out who your best self is… and then move on to the next module!
