So far you’ve laid all of the groundwork for your state of mind and your general understanding of women. Now it’s time to put all that awesome knowledge and power to good use.
If you’ve ever fallen short of what to say to a woman, or talked yourself out of striking up a conversation with that gorgeous girl you see every morning at the Starbucks by your office… then this is the exercise that’ll REALLY change the game for you.
First things first, you need to get it out of your head that there’s a perfect line, phrase, or script to use when talking to women. I don’t endorse any pickup lines, gimmicks, or routines that pickup artists and gurus use; they’re not genuine or authentic in the least… and they don’t work!
In the beginning, of course, it’s completely fine to have a go-to line that you say and can say CONFIDENTLY because you are learning and figuring out your own style. But you cannot rely on using others’ materials word for word and expect amazing results.
Why?
Because I guarantee this stuff isn’t congruent with who you are at every given moment with every single woman you come across.
Therefore, when using gimmicks, you’re being false, fake, inconsistent, and dishonest. You’re putting on a show, and women can smell that bullshit from a mile away.
I do understand that in the beginning stages of learning, some tactics are needed, to ensure you have a structure that works with women.
To make sure you have enough great pointers to get you started, I put together a few quick tips on how to have great, connecting conversations with women… EVERY time.
Why this skill set is so important
Knowing how to start a conversation with a woman is the kicking-off point to getting the specific girl you want.
And knowing the basics of starting a conversation is going to help you with any woman you come across absolutely anywhere you go.
Not only will you learn how to be more sharp and authentic within the moment, conversations in general will become easier as you develop your OWN personal structure for starting conversations with women who catch your eye.
I used to work with a client who had gone to a boot camp run by a leading player in the attraction industry. This program included tons of routines to memorize and use.
This client and I went on an outing, and he was eager to show me his moves. He would go up to women and say these rehearsed lines he was told would bring him instant success. Instead of the women getting turned on, they appeared to be insulted, and actually repulsed by my client. It was awful to watch.
His whole act went something like this:
client: Hey, I’m buying a gift for my little sister and wanted your opinion on what I could get her.
woman: How about some jewelry?
client: Oh, I see you’re a materialistic girl. We’re never going to get on!
woman: Did you practice those lines before you came here?
Obviously, I swooped in to save him by saying we were doing a test. However, this proved to him that you can’t expect to use scripted lines that someone else has given you and expect to have the same success that they did.
RULE: Only say lines that are true to you.
Whether they’re borrowed or rehearsed at home, if your lines are not YOUR LINES, no woman will ever believe them. Again, we can smell bullshit a mile away.
FACT: Fake stories, no matter how cool they sound, will seem insincere and come across badly. Everything you do and say must reflect you. Be consistent, genuine, and most importantly, honest. As I have told you many times before, women are most attracted to a man who is confident within himself and comfortable with his behavior.
I worked with another client who had done a similar program to the one described above, and he started reciting his routine for me by telling me a story about him and his motorcycle.
client: I once toured across the West coast on my motorbike, it was the best adventure. A lot of girls rode on that saddle!
marni: What engine was it?
client: Errrrr…
marni: Have you ever been on a motorcycle? client: No.
marni: Then stop telling that story. You are not selling it, and I can tell it’s fake. You’re cool enough as it is without having to mention a motorbike!
Needless to say, he never told that story again.
How to start talking to women
I want you to work on creating your own “opening lines.” I want you to really get a feel for what comes NATURALLY to you, what you would actually want to say to a woman, and something you would feel confident saying across the board.
My overall belief is that talking to women should be no different than the way you talk to everybody in your inner circle.
Your conversation style shouldn’t change the second you see a smoking hot brunette in front of you.
However, your conversation style with WOMEN will become more natural and less rehearsed once you set your intentions.
There are three ways to approach and start talking to a woman. But all three require one thing: a purpose. If you don’t approach and start talking with purpose and intention, then don’t bother approaching at all.
Guys who say “Hi” or tell me their names while trying to shake my hand…while staring at me all awkwardly waiting for me to continue the conversation REALLY creep me out (and every other woman, for that matter).
So here are three fail-proof ways to start conversations with women so that they become excited and eager to talk to you…
3 ways to approach:
1. Observational
2. Opinion opener
3. Direct
All are great, but again, they must be real, authentic, and genuine, or else none will work for you.
Observational
Make an observation about the woman you approach or the world around you.
Example: At grocery store, you see a woman loading up on food. “That’s a lot of food for a little lady.”
Observational conversation requires wit and speed. This is where those improvisation classes will come into play.
Reminder: After an observational statement is made, you will get one of two responses:
1. The woman will latch on to your observation and come back at you with a joking line of banter. This response is typical from more outgoing women.
2. The woman will stare at you while she internally says to herself, “What does this guy want from me?”
Both responses can lead into either sharing or asking a question.
Sharing: Share an opinion, experience, interesting fact, or story about yourself pertaining to the observation.
Example: “I was here about a week ago buying food for my weekly summer barbecue and had a cart that looked similar to yours. I probably got about 30 stares from people thinking to themselves, “That guy’s a pig,” or, “That guy’s in for a good time.”
This gives the woman a second to let her guard down and see that you are simply sharing and engaging in conversation with her, NOT trying to get anything from her
Then you can lead into a question.
Question: Make sure your questions are open ended and require more than a one- or two-word response.
Both can lead you into more conversation, so that you can decide your intention and what you may or may not want from this woman.
Opinion Opener
The opinion opener is simply breaking into conversation with a woman and asking her opinion on something. For me, this is the cheesiest of all forms of conversation, but I understand that some people feel most comfortable using opinion openers.
Please remember that if you use an opinion opener, make sure you actually want to hear the opinion and can actually add to her response.
Example: (At grocery store) “I’m cooking dinner tonight for two of my best friends. Which wine goes better with chicken?”
Then, from her response, you can lead into sharing or asking a question.
Direct
I really like direct approaches when it is appropriate. Being direct is asking for what you want and being open to hearing what the other person wants, as well.
Example: “Hi, listen, I’m in a meeting right now, but I’d love to grab a coffee with you some time. What’s your number?”
The direct approach will only work if your approach is sincere. If a woman ever feels that you are not present, or that you see her as an object during a direct approach, she will eject herself from the interaction very quickly.
I want you to work on your own “opening lines.” I want you to feel out what is natural to you through real-life practice. See which of the three options for starting conversation work best for you.
I recently did some work with a client on conversation. After our first lesson, I asked him to put together some common scenarios he misses out on every day because he doesn’t know what to say.
His scenarios and possible “openers” are below, as well as my feedback and comments.
Scenario 1: Supermarket
A lady is pushing a scaled-down buggy.
“Hello (smile)! That’s a cute buggy, but it’s getting full. Can I go get you the industrial-size buggy?”
Very cute observational opener. I like it.
Why this works: Playful, slight teasing, and enjoyable. You may not even need to say the first two lines, “Hello, that’s a cute buggy… After she giggles or responds in her own way, you can introduce yourself and even start piling stuff in her buggy.
Scenario 2: Supermarket
A lady is looking at different hair care products.
“Hi (smile)! I’m thinking about switching from just using soap on my hair. Can you suggest a good shampoo for my kind of hair?”
Funny. Such a guy comment, but a man in distress is cute. I used a very similar line yesterday at the nail salon. I tried on three different colors and said to a woman getting her nails done, “I have my engagement shower on Sunday. Which color makes my ring pop more?” She said, “Well, first question, what are you wearing?” I said “Great question, I didn’t even think of that,” and then we chatted for another five minutes, all from a simple question!
As a sexy add-on, you can have her feel your hair by saying, “Run your fingers through and tell me what would work best.”
Scenario 3: Bookstore
A lady is reading a book in one of the aisles. Bump gently into her as you go by.
“Hi (smile)! You look mesmerized. Do you think I would like what you’re reading?”
I like where you were going with this opinion opener, but make sure to expand the question so you get more than a one-word answer. So make sure to ask, “What do you like about the book you’re reading,” or something along those lines to get her to open up more.
Scenario 4: Bookstore
A lady is looking at books in the new arrivals section.
“Hi (smile)! Have you heard any good reviews about [one of the arrivals]? What do you like to read?”
I like the first part, but the second feels like an interview. The first part is a mix between opinion and observational approaches, which will seem very comfortable to a woman. But again, the second part is definitely not needed, at least not until she gives you her response.
Scenario 5: Coffee shop
A lady is at the next table working on a laptop. “Hi (smile)! You seem to be really focused. Is your deadline today?”
Again with the double comments. Seems hokey to me. If you say, “You seem so focused,” I would continue with something about how you could tell that she was so focused and bring it back to a sharing moment. For example “You’re so focused. I do the same thing when I am really into something. I frown my brow and get this intense face. What has you so focused?”
Scenario 6: Gym
A lady is working out on a machine. “Hi (smile)! You look like you’re really punishing that machine. Give it a break!”
Cute observational opener mixed with a little humor. This is appropriate to use in a gym (where women aren’t necessarily expecting to be flirted with), non sleazy, and perfectly between a tease and a compliment. Two things: the gym is a place for quick discussions. People are there to work out and then get out. So I would love you to say that comment and then walk away or move on to a different topic that you stay on for 30 seconds and then walk away, leaving her wanting more.
Scenario 7: Mall
A lady is shopping in ladies’ section.
“Hi (smile)! My mom is feeling low and I want to get her a nice gift to pick up her spirits. Any ideas what I should get her? I’m not sure if this (picks up fuchsia scarf) is quite right for a sixty-year-old!”
Initial response is that you can actually expand on this opinion opener by sharing. Give your thoughts on the scarf, why you like it, or what you got her last year.
Scenario 8: Mall
A lady is shopping in the perfume aisle.
“Hi (smile)! Can I borrow your arm for a minute? My cousin’s birthday is coming up and I want to get her some top-of-the-line perfume. Can I test it on you?”
Love it, love it, love it! That is the best one out of all of them. It’s interactive and shows you know how to take control and be bold enough to not only ask an opinion, but lead her as well.
Exercise:
Create your own list of openers.
From these building blocks, I’d love you to develop your own versions so that they are genuine and authentic to you.
Go back through recent approaches you’ve done (or wished you’d done), and write down what you’ve could have said or wish you could’ve said instead.
Practice what you would say in the mirror for every night for two weeks. I want you to get comfortable with the openers so that they are automatic and flow out of your mouth easily.
Next, go and practice them with women. Start off slow by approaching women you are NOT attracted to. When that feels comfortable to you, move on to attractive women.
This exercise will make it easier to approach. You won’t be stumbling for what to say because you will already have a repertoire of proven/practiced things to say.
As you practice, you will notice what works for you and doesn’t work, and you will keep tweaking until you start getting positive consistent results.
Be comfortable with awkward silences
The awkward pause is by far one of the worst feelings in the entire world. That is, until you learn to enjoy it and realize you are not responsible for filling it. That’s right, just like how you don’t have to talk about any particular topics, you also don’t have to talk constantly. In fact, being unable to pause makes you appear nervous!
I used to panic whenever I heard an empty pause and stupid things would come out of my mouth just to avoid it. Now, I breathe in the pause and celebrate it. I actually love it.
TIP: Take a moment to yourself.
When engaging a woman and you experience an awkward pause, take a breath, lower your shoulders, soften your brow, look in her eyes and smile. Calmness in a man is SEXY!
I guarantee she will be the one filling the gap.
Next time you are out socially, find two women and tell them you are conducting an experiment and need their assistance.
Ask them both what random foods they dislike. Pick one of the foods and make sure that one of the girls likes this type of food. Let’s say that one of them hates peanut butter and jelly. Then ask each of them to say,
“I love peanut butter and jelly.”
You will be able to sense which one is being honest about the statement and which one is just saying it because they were told to say it. Even though they are using the same words, the statements will sound completely different.
That is exactly how you will sound if you borrow conversation from others.
Dos & Don’ts
Don’t limit yourself to meeting women in the areas in the examples given… women are EVERYWHERE, so get out there and start approaching!
Don’t worry so much about your memorized line. The key is to have a general understanding of what you would say to a woman IN THE GIVEN MOMENT
If your practiced lines don’t apply to a given moment, just remember to say something observational, opinionated, or direct
Remember to smile! We’ve come a long way since your exercises from modules one and two, so don’t forget to remember your new default face, posture, and voice tonality
Her reaction is key, so make sure you’re engaged in what SHE’S saying when you use your openers
What mastery of this skill will look like
Once you know how to effectively start a conversation with a woman, your approach anxiety will become NONEXISTENT.
Sound too good to be true? Well it’s not!
You’ll never run out of things to say, and you’ll never talk yourself out of approaching a woman because you’ll be able to do it effortlessly and with more and more confidence every single time.
Just by using the types of openers outlined in this skill set, you’ll no longer miss out on ANY woman who catches your eye, because you’ll always have something to say; it’ll just become natural and second-nature to you.
