So many men I speak with believe that there are specific rules to follow when it comes to asking for a woman’s phone number. I am here to tell you that there are no such rules. The only rule that you must follow is to ask for the girl’s phone number when you decide that you want it.
Other than that, there are no rules, there are no guidelines, and there is no right or wrong time to ask for a phone number!
Below is an email from one of my coaching clients updating me on a recent success story. I had given him an assignment where he had to pick up a woman and get her number in under two minutes. He wrote to tell me he was able to get a girl’s number in less than 30 seconds. Amazing!
Here’s what his email said:
Hey Marni,
Just wanted to keep you up to date on things with a story from Starbucks yesterday.
I was in a meeting with a man and a woman, and looked up to see a young woman walking towards us, heading for the doors. She looked at me with a bit of a smile and had her head slightly tilted to the side. I held her gaze, excused myself, immediately got up and walked directly towards her. Without skipping a beat I said, “Hi, listen, I’m in a meeting right now, but I’d love to grab a coffee with you some time.” She looked a little stunned, but held eye contact. She then said, “Sure, okay!” I pulled out my iPhone, hit the “Contacts” button, pressed “New,” and said,
“Do you know how to work this? Just put in your name and number.”She did, I told her I had to get back to my meeting, and she left. Her name is X. The whole process took about thirty seconds from open to close and is a new record for me.
I returned to the table, and the couple looked at me with a bit of disbelief and we carried on with our meeting. I couldn’t help but notice the woman kept checking me out after seeing my number close with X, and shifted her body language to face me directly. And, forgive my candor, but I caught her doing a “package” glance a couple times, and she kept on just looking at me with that slow up and down gaze. She also remained distracted for the rest of the meeting, and seemed to have her mind elsewhere. The man was clearly stunned by my action with X and had that, “Did that just happen?” look on his face for the rest of the meeting.
Fifteen minutes later I texted X with, “Hey you.” She responded immediately with, “Hi! Thanks for the text 🙂 ” I replied, “First one’s free… 😉 ” Now the only drawback is she is young, early twenties (again), so I don’t really know where to go with this. Still a little bizarre how easy it is for me at 43 to meet women that young. It is satisfying at some level, but rational me realizes it’s an untenable situation. Hmmm…
Anyhow, just wanted to share this with you.
Client
First of all, AMAZING, right? Second of all, as a woman, I am not surprised by this at all. What my client did was proactive, masculine, and super attractive.
• He saw a woman he was interested in
• Approached her
• Asked her for what he wanted (her phone number to get to know her better/sleep with her/date her, etc… )
• ANDTHEN…gotbacktohislife DONE!
And now we’re going to make it just as easy for you…
Why this skill set is so important
The reason why my client’s approach was so appealing to the woman was because it was exciting and it MADE HER FEEL SPECIAL.
Again, if you’re not making a woman FEEL something from your interaction, or feel special and different from all the other girls you could ask, then getting her number is POINTLESS. Getting her number is sealing the deal on being able to carry out a second interaction with her once you’re able to approach, once you’re able to carry on a conversation, and once you can actually make a solid lasting connection with her. I’ve had clients say to me, “Marni, I have no problem approaching women and talking to them… but I never know how to get her number or if she’s even interested in even seeing me again.”
And on the OTHER side of the coin, I have sooooooo many girlfriends who’ve said to me, “I don’t get it! We had an AMAZING conversation, we’re flirting, laughing, having a good time, and then nothing. He didn’t even ask me for my number.” Even though with the women’s movement and more women becoming more assertive with men, we still generally expect men to take the reins and take initiative when it comes to showing interest and moving things forward.
Most women still won’t approach a guy and, more so, won’t ask a guy for his phone number.
So that’s where YOU come in.
This skill set is so important because it’ll actually LOCK YOU IN for getting the girl once you part ways after your first interaction. You have no idea how many opportunities you are missing out on every day. There are tons of women around you at all times, and the only reason they’re not noticing you is because YOU are letting them not notice. I guarantee that if you can do this assignment three times a week for one month, you too will be able to succeed in getting a girl’s number in under 30 seconds!
Exercise:
OK, so now it’s YOUR turn to put the 30-second mark on getting a girl’s number.
I want you to get 10 numbers in less than 30 seconds. So every time you see a woman that you want to talk to, I want you to just have the intention: “I want to get to know her AFTER I get her number.”
By having this as your first intention, it’ll force you to focus on one thing you like about what you see, and go directly for what you want (which is her number).
Then I want you to walk away and go back to whatever it is that you were doing.
And yes, I’m serious!
I’m not saying completely avoid all the other exercises that have to do with approaching, connecting, and creating attractive conversation… because you still have to do those. 😉
But on TOP of them, I want you to make a point to get 10 numbers in less than 30 seconds.
This will remove all jitters you have about asking for the number. When you are done with this exercise and get into a real conversation with a woman you like, asking for the number will be super easy for you.
Dos and don’ts
Don’t avoid approaching women at all now with this new looming intention of “I need to get her number now!”
Don’t worry about “the right thing” to say, worry about not saying anything at all
If you want, you can use the same method (and line, but make it your own!) that my client used in regards to seeing X, asking for her number because he’d love to see her again but is too busy right now, and then casually getting back to whatever it was he was doing before her
Call her phone immediately
Since practically everyone has a cell phone nowadays, the most obvious way to take down a phone number is to enter it straight into your phone. Assuming this is the case, it is always a good idea to call her phone so that she has your number as well. This tells the woman you are interested in that you do intend to call and you want her to be able to recognize your number when you do. Do this in front of her and tell her you’re doing it. This also serves another purpose: if you have misread her signs and she has given you a fake number, you will know immediately
Don’t call her the night you meet her. This is assuming you have met the woman in a bar or somewhere else that you did not leave until late at night. Unless you are looking for a purely physical relationship, do not call her the night you meet her. Calling late at night says one of two things: one, you are just interested in hooking up and you want to do so before your buzz wears off and your judgment returns or two, you are desperate
For you movie buffs, think about the scene in Swingers when Jon Favreau’s character meets a girl in a bar and upon returning home, proceeds to call her repeatedly until she finally answers. When she does answer, she demands that he never calls her again. Favreau’s character goes from “nice guy” to “psycho” so quickly. Don’t be that guy
What mastery of this skill will look like
Mastering the art of getting several numbers in less and less time is going to help you become more comfortable in general when asking women for their number.
It’s also help you see it as less of an overwhelming goal and more as something that’ll help you see if she’s the right fit for YOU.
The more you do it, the more easily you’ll be able to incorporate it into conversation and the more genuine and necessary it’ll feel.
You’ll no longer see it as something that she may or may not be OK with, but rather as just another thing you need to do if you’re going to find out if she’s the type of girl you would want to spend more time getting to know.
It’ll become less, “OK, I’m going to ask her. I’m going to ask her. What if she doesn’t give it to me?!” and more, “And now I find out more about her… OK, let’s take her number down to see where this goes.”
Let me paint a better picture for you:
You’re out with your friends being Mr. Social and you see a gorgeous woman across the room.
You confidently walk up to her with your new walk and default face and approach her with an observational opener about how her margarita glass is bigger than her head and you think she’s quite the champ for taking on such an adventure.
She giggles and smiles back at you, you both banter back and forth, and you both start sharing personal information about yourselves: her growing up in Michigan, you growing up in New York, her best friend fresh out of a breakup, your Sunday ritual to go out with the guys.
Then you tell her your real passion is playing the drums, to which SHE replies that she’s ALWAYS wanted to play but has never gotten the chance.
PERFECT! Because you’d love to take her to a Guitar Center and show her how it’s done.
She gets absolutely excited and is actually genuinely honored that you offered… then asks if you’re serious, a gleam of hope in her eyes as she waits for you to answer.
So you tell her you’d be damned if you didn’t take her, as you pull out your phone, and say, “Here, give me your number and I’ll text you about our first rock and roll lesson later on this week.”
So she gladly punches in her number, and you tell her you’ll talk to her soon and confidently strut back over to hang out with all your friends.
Now this is a very simplified version of what it could look like for you. And now that you have a clearer understanding of how it goes, I’m going to break it down even further for you.
How to get her number
So now that you’ve practiced getting her number in 30 seconds or less, I’m going to teach you step by step how to get any woman’s phone number.
Most guys aren’t sure when exactly is the right time to get her number, and the truth is, there really IS no right time.
If you want it, ASK FOR IT!
The real question you should be asking yourself is, “Do I like this girl enough right NOW to want to get her number and learn even more about her?”
And if the answer to your question is “Yes!” then the next question you need to ask yourself is, “OK, what’s something fun that she and I could do together?” or, better yet, now that you know who you are and what YOU love to do, ask yourself, “What kind of experience do I enjoy that I’d like to share with her?”
Once you’ve got THESE answers down pat, it’s time to get her number.
So here are some general guidelines to follow when you set your intention to find out more about this girl in question:
• Getting a number is not a big deal! Women look to YOU for how comfortable they should feel around you, and if you put a huge focus on getting her number, chances are you’ll put a lot of pressure on yourself and feel EXTREMELY nervous when the time comes to get the digits. And if YOU’RE nervous, she’ll definitely feel nervous and less confident in you. So when you get her number, keep talking about whatever it is you were originally talking about, and just remember that getting her number is only the middle step in finding out more about her.
- Don’t ASK her. When you ask her for her number (as opposed to guiding her into giving it to you), it leaves a sense of obligation in her. And if a woman feels obligated to give you her number, chances are she’ll give it to you, even if she doesn’t want to. So instead say something like, “Let me get your number,” or “Here, put your number in my phone,” or “You’re so much fun we totally have to exchange numbers and hang out again!”
- Assume the close. This goes back to asking if she can have your number. In asking her, you’re giving her the idea that she doesn’t HAVE TO comply. But when you expect her to give you her number (after guiding her), she’ll act accordingly… and happily. If you confidently take out your phone, it’ll show that you expect to get her number, and she’ll more than willingly give it to you. The second you’re not sure if you’ll get it is the second she’ll start to doubt you as well.
OK, so now that we’ve got the basics covered, let’s get right into the step-by-step process to successfully meeting a girl and confidently getting her number and getting to know her better:
1. Approach her!: If you see a girl that you’re attracted to, start with the first intention of talking to her and seeing if you’re interested in her. Don’t overthink it because you only need satisfy this first intention: Am I interested in anything more than her looks? So walk up to her, confidently introduce yourself, and find out!
2. Keep the conversation light and fun: OK, so it turns out she’s not only physically attractive, she’s really cool, too. Awesome! Now have some fun, smile, and be present in the moment with her. Don’t worry about getting her number just yet, just worry about whether or not you’re having fun with this conversation and if you can relax and be comfortable with her at the same time.
3. Assess the situation: Yes or no: are you enjoying the conversation? If you’re really not into her, DON’T FORCE IT! Just because you can get along with someone doesn’t mean you want to get to know her more. But if you find that you actually ARE attracted to her and are having a lot of fun talking to her, ask yourself if you want to get to know her more outside the initial fun and banter. If you find that you’re really not all that interested in her, that’s totally fine. Just politely excuse yourself and go find somebody you WOULD be interested in getting to know more. Again, this is about respecting yourself and what you want… and if she’s not who you want, THAT’S OK!
4. Ask open-ended questions: After the fun and flirting has subsided a bit, start to ask her about things that would help you better understand who she is, or have her tell you something positive about herself. For instance, say something like, “Tell me something ridiculously awesome about yourself that I wouldn’t know just by looking at you.” No matter what she says, accept her answer… don’t judge it! If she finds it fascinating, respect and appreciate it. Appreciating her for what she loves about herself is going to make her feel even more connected to you, and want to get to know YOU better in return.
5. You still like what you’re hearing?: So she just told you that the coolest thing about herself is that she plays Lady Gaga on the piano and passionately sings along…and you think this is the cutest thing EVER. If, during her personal revelations, you really DO want to get to know her, then tell her how much you DO appreciate her, and get her number!
6. Now get back to your awesome conversation: Because getting her number isn’t the end goal (for the sake of this section it is… but in Getting The Girl, it really isn’t!), you want to go BACK to the fun, awesome, enlightening conversation you were having. Relate to things she’s saying, share things about yourself, tell her stories from your life based on the things she shared about herself, and talk about your own passions. This’ll help keep her interested LOOOONG after you get her number and solidify the fact that she’s not just giving you her number because she feels like she has to.
