As I have told you before, I have many guy friends: guy friends who I love and think are the best guys in the world; and guy friends who can still shock me when I see how terribly they handle themselves with women. Lucky for my guy friends, they have me to get their female advice from.
I was on the phone the other night with one of my guy friends talking about girls, sex, attraction, love, and past relationships, and he told me about this girl he had been interested in a long time ago back at college that he happened to see by his office that day. He said that he always regretted not asking her out in college and that he wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass by him again.
So he did some recon work and got her email address. I told him to show me his email before sending it to her. Thank goodness he showed me, because it would have been disaster had he sent it.
Our email correspondence is below along with my commentary on how to ask out a girl properly:
Email from friend:
Hey X,
I hope you’re enjoying your summer and BDM’s treating you well.
We never actually speak when we see each other, and I think we should change that.
Let me know if you want to grab a coffee or a drink some time. Y (My Friend)
My response:
Did you send this yet? Please say you didn’t. It’s sweet, but it has no oomph to it to get a girl riled up. It can be stronger and more attractive. Seems a little soft. Again, it’s good, but it can be better.
My commentary: Woman are at their peak of attraction when they have the opportunity to feel their most feminine. My friend’s email was not terrible, it was nice. But there was nothing to latch onto. No excitement, but really sweet. You want to offer a woman something that she basically has no choice but to say YES to. Not because she was forced to say yes, but because she was intrigued and excited.
Friend’s response I could just say:
Hey X,
Would you like to meet for a coffee one day?
… But I put in the other filler and formality because she doesn’t actually know me. The opening summer stuff is there as polite throat clearing before moving on to the point.
Y (My Friend)
My response:
Don’t be polite. Also say what YOU want. Try it that way.
My commentary: I find that when guys are trying to “be polite,” they end up coming off as saps, wimps, or suck ups. No good, not attractive, and does not get the reaction you are looking for from a woman. The more masculine and direct you can be with a woman the better. This does not mean be a jerk, an asshole, etc.
Friend’s response:
X,
Got the wave in the Path last week, but we never actually speak when we see each other.Âă Let’s change that!
Do you have time for a coffee or a drink this week? Y (My friend)
My response:
So much better. Love the “Let’s change that” part, but get rid of the exclamation point. Needs one more tweak, but getting there. Does it feel better to you?
Try I WANT as part of what you say. “I want to get to know you better” or “I want to take you out” or “I want to change that.”
My commentary: In the beginning stages of dating it’s about YOU. What YOU want, what YOU are looking for. You do not know HER yet, so the person to take care of is you. Therefore, do not be ashamed or fear that you are being too obvious with what you are asking for. Being DIRECT AND HONEST will always get you the best results. YOU want to date her. YOU want to sleep with her. YOU want to go for coffee. So say it. Say what you want.
Friend’s response:
Got the wave in the Path last week, but we never actually speak when we see each other. I want to change that.
Do you have time for a coffee or a drink this week? Y
My response:
Love this!!! Send
Friend’s response:
Subject: I Owe You One
This is what she wrote back to me 10 minutes after I sent:
Hey Y,
Yes the Path seems to be such a social place these days! I am always running into familiar faces. I’d be down for a coffee break this week – any day but Thursday works for me!
My response:
Yay!!!! Send me your response before you write back.
Friend’s response:
Okay great, let’s do Friday. I had to run out of the office this afternoon and only just got home. I’ll tell you about it Friday, but it will likely make tomorrow super busy for me.
Are you able to get away 2:30ish Friday?
– I feel bad because I did not get her email till just now which is 4 hours after she wrote. Should I just write tomorrow?
My response:
Nooo!!!!! I hope you didn’t send that. You are pouncing, throwing up on her. You can tell her about your great day when you see her. No need now. In response to your last comment, you have a life, you are busy, you work hard, therefore all your energy does not need to suddenly shift direction for this girl. You will get back to her when you get a chance to. Wait until tomorrow and write a direct email saying you will meet her at XYZ at this time. Done. Direct = Sexy. Lots of words and fluff = a future of her crying on your shoulder about other guys. Get my point?
Marni
My commentary: My friend took my advice and they are now on their date.
Here’s the truth that you NEED to know about women.
The first email my friend wrote to this girl may have gotten a response, it may have even gotten him on a date. BUT it wasn’t attractive, and it certainly would not get a woman excited and eager. And it definitely would not establish attraction.
What it would do is slightly interest a woman and get her to say, “Might as well”. Is that what you want?? For a woman to agree to go out thinking, “I’ll give him shot. He seems nice enough?” You want a woman to say, “OMG, I want this guy, and I can’t believe he is giving me his attention. I am excited to go out with him.” And that is exactly what this new email will do. It will make a woman excited and feel butterflies in her stomach.
Why this skill set is so important
You may be asking what makes this any different than just getting a girl’s number…and if you have to ask, then OH BOY you absolutely need to fine tune this skill set!
As you say, my friend JUST having this girl’s email guaranteed nothing…and in this day and age, getting a girl’s number ALSO guarantees… NOTHING.
Truth be told, you aren’t the only guy she’s ever given her number out to, you’re not the only guy who sees her for the awesome, down to earth woman she is, and you’re NOT the only guy that wants to take her out and get to know her more…
I’ve had plenty of clients celebrate getting the number and, soon enough, scratch their heads in confusion wondering why the hell she won’t return his calls or texts.
Why do women do this? Why do they give out their phone number and not answer their phone? Do they know this at the time, or do they decide later?
I have been in this situation MANY times, and the answer is usually that I had no intention of ever answering the phone. I was not interested and was just being polite. From the time women are born, they are taught to be proud, polite, respectful ladies. Ladies who don’t tell you to your face if they are not into you. That is not polite or proper.
Instead, we do it behind your back… and I have been one of those ladies many, many times. I have given my number over and over again with absolutely no intention of answering the phone.
I know it’s wrong, but it’s so much easier and less awkward to give out my number then to say, “Sorry, I’m so not into you and I will never answer my phone when you call. I do not want to go out with you.”
Listen, when I go out, I enjoy talking to people.
I especially like talking with men, but usually within the first two minutes, actually it’s more like 30 seconds, I can tell if I am going to want to see a guy past that evening. But I am enjoying my conversation with him.
Does this mean that I have to cut off the conversation with him? Should I be that presumptuous that he is into me and that I should cut it off before I hurt his feelings?
So I usually continue talking because I am enjoying myself. And then the awkward moment comes when they ask for my number.
I freeze up, get nervous, and give out my phone number feeling guilty the whole time. It’s horrible, I know, but it’s what I do. It’s what all of my girlfriends do, and it’s what most women in the world do.
I don’t know a lot of women who can be strong enough to say, “You know what? I had a great time with you this evening, but I think this is the end of the road for our relationship. It was nice meeting you. Goodbye.”
So basically, what I am telling you is that a number doesn’t mean a success.
The real success is when you actually get that women to answer the phone and go out on a date.
And if you get her number and are never able to get in touch with her thereafter, then that’s exactly why she gave YOU her number…
But that won’t happen anymore, now that you’ve gone through this program!
So in order to lock in your chance at really finding out if this is a girl who fits what you want for yourself and in a woman, you’re going to need to know how to get the date… before you get the girl.
Exercise:
For this skill, I want you to ask out every woman whose number you get. And if you’re dating online, I want you to ask a woman out after no more than two days of exchanging messages.
Asking a woman out on a date simply means knowing what you want and going after it, which we’ve covered plenty in being able to know exactly what you want and set your intention.
So I want you to do JUST THAT: If you want her, with the only intention of seeing whether or not she’s a good fit for you, TELL HER you want to take her out.
Dos and don’ts
If you’re face-to-face with a woman, go back to the “I Want” exercise and tell a woman that you want to see her again, suggest a place to go, and then ask her if she’s free on days that YOU’RE free. For instance, “I’d really love to see you again, I know this AMAZING Asian Fusion restaurant that I’d love to take you to, are you free either Thursday or Friday?” Letting her know what your availability is is a great way to lead her without having to put all the responsibility on her. That way, you don’t have to rely on her schedule to determine if you’ll be able to see her
Don’t say things like, “If you’re interested in hanging out,” or “I’m free whenever you are.” AGAIN, it’s about owning that YOU want to take her out to see if she’s a good fit for you, and leading her as a man who wants to do so
Have an actual plan. Nothing annoys women more than a guy who makes us have to take the lead
Actually call her two or three days after the initial meeting to set up the date. When you call the first time, actually use the phone to call her. You are trying to make a good impression; do not send an email or text message. This is when tradition comes into play. With the advancements in technology came a sudden acceptance of text messages and emails as forms of communication. However, if you would like to stand out from the rest of the immature co-eds, use the phone and make the call. Women appreciate this more than you would expect
Don’t call more than once. This goes back to that idea of being too desperate. The girl you met may screen your call to see if you are calling just to call, or calling to set up a date. Do yourself a favor and leave a message with your reason for calling the first time you call. Do not assume she will return a missed call without a voicemail, and do not call back a second time because you did not leave a message the first. As much as we may deny it, dating is a game
Don’t feel the need to talk every single day before your date. Once you set up your first date, it’s set up. Check in the day before with a text and “I’m looking forward to tomorrow night I’ll meet you at this place at this time. Let me know if there’s any changes.” Gives her the time so that you’re not waiting around
What mastery of this skill will look like
Knowing how to get a date is going to help you stop missing out on all those women from whom you were bold enough to get numbers.
No more falling into the abyss of other guys who JUST have her number, no more wondering what could’ve been, and DEFINITELY no more sitting home by yourself watching your phone to see if any of those lovely ladies will respond to your texts of calls.
Now you get to actually SEE if this girl is somebody you enjoy being around, somebody who’s worth YOUR time. You get to learn about her and find out if she’s what you want instead of constantly trying to live up to what you THINK women want.
You’re more assertive and can show that you’re not a guy who just sits around and waits to see if women like him, but rather you’re that guy who goes after the women he wants… and gets them.
